“To love is to risk not being loved in return and the one who risks nothing lives nothing has nothing and is nothing!-Leo Buscaglia’’
And there it goes again….! I used to wonder that how does a human become desperate, how does a human get pain in heart and how it does feel like! Why does the love always bring pains? There was a time when we used to Get in Love and Get out of Love, sometimes, we would feel desperate, lonely and the next day, we would be far gone out of those feelings. There were always NEXTs, as those NEXTs, we always would get skipped, but…
I don’t know, what’s happening to me, just simply couldn’t find the words to describe the pain which is tearing me apart deeper inside, I’m trying to feel it, it is like corrupting or cracking or shattering something inside. It feels like, something suddenly have stopped, a bone cracking, tiredness settles heavily at the bottom of my heart, or it feels like shallow hollow inside. I want to think a lot, I want to memorize a bit more those of encounters that may suggest a hint to me to heal the wounds. I want to smile wide, I want to do the things which would shift my focus to other sides……yes, and again, there it comes….Dashain..!
……It’s been about two decades that I haven’t have blessings from my parents through the Teekaas on my forehead, I haven’t felt the auspicious vibes of the festivity into the air since I left Nepal two decades ago. I haven’t seen or felt myself such a relaxed and such a happily peaceful for a long time. I think, the sadness to think the Dashain and thinking Dashain through memories, is to think the love of being a person within a family and there it goes again,….I remember the hollow in heart, I feel the thin layer of wrappers on my heart, where a mere push can thrash the very structural specimen of the so-called heart where human do store their sublime core of feelings as well. The happiness would fuss away; memory doesn’t mingle with reality, which just brings the sense of the same old tired-loneliness. This is not Nepal, there is not any tradition in general, and we live like dumb and damn and thick……..! Why can’t we become happy in any dire situation? What makes us to think or feel that we are not happy or we are actually devastated from inside? It is the emotion, it is the nerve which persuades human to feel sympathized, to feel dignified, to feel joys, to feel sorrows, to feel pains and regretful and shameful as well, a lot of pains, which we couldn’t be seeing from outside, but the one who gets it, gets suffered deeply. Every aspect just has turned dark, every excitement is vanishing, it is like End of Day, it is like the dark night which unlikely to see sunshine. It is like….. (See, how do my thoughts get troubled?)
I was cool. I was stable, but I had a feeling of a depriving exultation for someone else’s companionship. I started to get drifted by the touch of the thick long hair and its magical smell. the walking on the street or on the beach together, the whistling some tunes together, the drenching in the rain together, dining in the restaurant together, wining chitchatting and feeling or caressing together!….How many other reasons would be needed to get a man to be scrambled perfectly?
I became powerless. Things went beyond my hold, beyond my control, I felt good for everything though, I felt nice to everyone, and everyone was looked to be nice to me too. I found the tastes even on the Brown-Bread, I felt the surgery on every drinks, coz, I had been shaken deeply. I was doing things without any consciences whatsoever,…. but, hey, this is love, it happens without prior notice, which just exactly had struck right into my heart without prior notice and now, I found myself hovering for uncertainty of my whereabouts. And now, it sucks to me thoroughly, when there are some rain patches, it sucks to me completely while winds bring cool breezes. What is the grief within the emotion which let me get down on and on, as my feet stand still but the feeling of myself getting dived deeper under the surface or the Earth? I simply can’t just describe easily the dumping and devastated sensation coming out of my very old dumped Heart….
Once upon a time, when things used to run under our command, affairs were the part of fashion or regular routine. We used to make schedules along with the availability for the sake of dating with girls, which would sound fantastic, look good, feel nice and perfect until when one of my friends caught-up to get seriously involved with a girl from Gorkha. I remember those days, soothing him every now and then, trying to distract him from the very girl’s captivity or untold magical grip to other girls. I was desperate to hook-off him from the very girl’s sensual control. We were living in Kathmandu and that particular girl was in Gorkha. He kept on singing love-songs; he kept on dancing on duet love-dance. He became freak. He kept on traveling and kept on visiting the girl at Gorkha four times a month, he ruined his career and study, but he seemed to be looking perfectly alright and would look that he was flying high at all the time, but…
One fine day, he received a letter from her which read that if he couldn’t get her by 23 of Magh, 2044, she would be engaged with another guy, forcefully. He was shocked. We [friends] could feel his devastation and frustration on his face, on his actions; coz, that was the very day he should have reached there to prevent her to get hitched. It was Nepalese postal delivery system indeed; the letter took a whole week to reach at his hand. It was already too late. It was a day of her engagement. She must have had engagement ring on her finger already from some random guy and it wasn’t wise for him to be there at this hour of the day but at the end, eventually, me and him hurriedly got onto the Bus and traveled all the way to Gorkha which took four hours. It wasn’t joyride, it wasn’t even a tour. He was so nervous and making me painfully aware of his frustrated condition. He was totally scaring me on saying if he couldn’t be able to get her, he would commit suicide for sure. My comforts were vanishing……I was just hoping for the best, but…..
I sometimes use to feel so confused to the feeling of the gap of someone’s presence into my daily livings. I have already felt before that how that could hurt, how that could let you feel such emptiness, such a gloomy! There are about sixty five millions of peoples living here in UK, there are elsewhere mostly cheering people, funny people, enthusiasts people, optimistic people, you can see couples walking hand on hand which looks like they are made for each-other, and will never get separated. You see the happiness on people’s faces which look as they might not have had cried ever, you can see chanting and giggling couples around, which suggest that they might not have had the experiences of sitting back in the dark room and grieving alone. There are different faces, around you but you would miss your particular one so badly and feel lonesome and sad. You may feel that people are teasing you by smiling, laughing, putting hands on hands while walking, by chatting happily on the phone, by waiting somewhere holding a bunch of flowers. Yes, you definitely would feel teased, you would feel tempted but alone, and you would have to go on living like this which would repeat the routines daily-basis. How terrible, isn’t it?
……My friend and I could able to reach Gorkha the same day but quite late in the afternoon. On the Bus Park, there were people -some waiting and some arriving/departing. There were a lot of small homes with restaurants and hotels surrounded the Bus Park. Just on its left side, you could see the peak of the hill and the Late king’s Durbar, it was Magh [late February], and so the breeze would pose colder sensations. Right side of the Bus Park, you could see the chains of hills. One of them could follow right towards the Manakamna temple. It was great feeling but we got no time to share or feel the moment, nor had some to waste that way.
He moved ahead and I just tailed. Walking after about fifteen minutes to the left from the Bus Park, we met a boy, who struck at us and signaled us to follow him, and we simply obeyed, none of us uttered a word throughout a whole 20 minutes which felt as an hour. The boy led us to a home which had outer rooms and asked specially me to stay put just outside the room with him and let my friend to get in it.
It was a big home with a lot of banana trees, pineapples, mangoes etc at the fore and backyard. Little further down, there were cultivated terraced paddy fields with fully swath-able paddies, drifting through the winds. Cold breeze, the left over mild sunshine of the late afternoon, the yellowish and prosperous fields would have enough ingredients to make anybody feel grounded. As I could feel the smell of the crops, I liked to walk instead a bit down coz, the boy seemed not to be interested in me, rather showed a bit hatred for me, so I walked down and down on the edges of the fields, I touched the grains of paddies, I felt the coming-home sensations, I kept on watching further down, very far or bottom of that hill, the evening was getting up slowly. I saw people, coming to home; saw the birds, setting up to the nests, chirping loudly which was good feeling indeed. I was enjoying the moments but the boy came down there and fetched me up.
I could see my friend was walking fast towards the Bus park without the girl, I left the boy near the home and hurriedly ran towards my friend, I saw him crying, I couldn’t dare to ask why, I felt like crying myself too but I just followed him all the way to Bus Park, luckily, at the late of that goddamn afternoon, we happened to find a truck heading to Kathmandu, we climbed up immediately and settled at the roof of the truck. He didn’t speak to me, was sobbing and weeping like a woman. I felt so distasteful for everything, right there and then.
I was looking at the hill which inhabited all the Gorkhali. It was gradually left behind, the more we come, the best I started to feel pain for my friend but I don’t know what exactly was he thinking, I saw him watching behind with tearful eyes, then he said that his girlfriend had engaged just two hours ago and she couldn’t deceive her groom and families as well. But he said that he certainly wouldn’t have any reason to live without her. He simply hadn’t imagined of living without her. I felt so nervous, sad and anxious and tried to woo him talking about other beautiful girls in our college.
… I still feel the difficulties of the hardship in my veins and nerves of grabbing and holding him for not letting him to jump into the river from the truck’s roof which occasionally he kept on tying till Mugling. He seemed really sure that he just wanted to get doomed and vanished completely. I was crushing my day, regretting my friendship with him.
Why people do feel so helpless on getting the broken relationship or Heart? Why can’t human take the tragedy as a source of inner power? It is easy to say but hard to cope with. I can understand that. I had too suffered a lot. Someone had to plan abruptly her matrimonial future without me after having spent couple of significant years together. Loosing her or thrown out of her life was such disastrous and painful, that I too once used to hide in the dark on any corner or weep under rain but never thought of putting all off. No, never. Time though didn’t get much to reshuffle my core of the affection towards her or relationship with her. Finally putting aside those dilemmas of the disturbed and regretful outcome of my own affair, I moved, had to move ahead just to breath in and out constantly ……., I must say that it was damn difficult though. Really!